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The Coen brothers may have emerged victorious at the 80th Academy Awards ceremony at the Kodak Theatre on Sunday, but the night otherwise proved that this was no country for Oscar winners, with most categories being swept by Europeans.

It was also no night for jokes, apparently. With the writer’s strike finally over, everyone was eagerly anticipating some of host Jon Stewart’s sharp wit, but his jokes mostly fizzled, save for one involving Barack Hussein Obama and Gaydolph Titler. Admittedly, this year marked the first that I was actually sober on Oscar night, so at first I panicked, thinking I needed to get drunk – and fast – to give these jokes a chance. But then I noticed that not even the most inebriated among us seemed to be laughing, so they must have been really bad. Regardless, the Oscars are always more fun when I play my usual game; it’s called trying to get more fucked up than Jack Nicholson. I’ll definitely be playing that again next year, and I’ll recommend you do the same.

Rather than bore you with a play-by-play of the nearly three-and-a-half hour ceremony, I’ll just share with you some of the highlights, with a list of winners at the end.

And the winners for the best moments of the night are:

- Marion Cotillard’s acceptance speech after winning the Best Performance by a Lead Actress category for La Vie en Rose. Her scaly dress wasn’t doing her amazing figure any favors, but the woman is beautiful even when she looks like the Little Mermaid. She was emotional and endearing at the same time, blurting out, “You rock my life!” in broken English, which beats the traditional “I want to thank my mom and God” routine any day.

- Javier Bardem’s winning of the Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role award in No Country for Old Men. He gave a shout-out to his horrific mushroom haircut in the film, and then thanked most of his family in Spanish. Jon Stewart follows, saying he took Spanish high school, so he was “pretty sure he was telling us where the library was.”

- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova’s performance of “Falling Slowly” from Once. They won for Best Original Song, beating out three songs from Enchanted and one from August Rush. Hansard had just finished his heartfelt thank-yous when the obnoxious cut-off music began playing before Irglova got a chance to speak. Jon Stewart then pulled her back onstage to let her express her gratitude, and we all expressed ours, because she likely saved us from yet another montage sequence that got scrapped in her favor.

- Cameron Diaz flubbing her line and presenting the Best Achievement in “Ciminnanotography” award to Robert Elswit for There Will Be Blood. I couldn’t pronounce “spaghetti” when I was five, so I can relate, however, I believe she can afford a trip to Sylvan Learning Center at this point?

- Neither Paul Haggis nor Clint Eastwood were nominated for awards, automatically upping my enjoyment factor of the evening.

- Juno writer Diablo Cody accepting the award for Best Original Screenplay. Regardless of how you feel about her cultural-reference-a-minute, tongue-garbling writing style, it was refreshing to see her walk onstage, covered in tattoos and animal print in a sea of copycat dresses, thanking her parents for loving her for exactly who she was. Eloquent and simple – she should take note of how it’s done for her next screenplay.

- The Coen brothers graciously accepting the Adapted Screenplay, Best Director and Best Motion Picture of the Year awards for No Country for Old Men with brief thank-yous and a cute anecdote about how their work now doesn’t feel all that different from the stuff they did when they were eleven.

And the winners for the worst moments of the night are:

- Eric Stoltz, er, I mean Tilda Swinton in a one-sleeve garbage bag accepting the Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role award. Seriously, what was she wearing? It was a great performance in Michael Clayton by a wonderful actress, but hands down one of the worst red carpet looks ever. I mean, she looked just like Eric Stoltz for God’s sake, and that’s never a good comparison to draw.

- The montage sequences. It felt like there were even more this year; even Stewart poked fun at their lameness by injecting even more montages – of best use of binoculars and periscopes and bad dreams in films. It was a very cruel joke for those of us already suffering through a look back at every single Oscar-winning film for the past 80 years. There was one of particular relevance, however, regarding the voting process by the Academy and how the ballots are kept secret. It’s an election year, so maybe there’s a lesson to be learned here? Perhaps PricewaterhouseCooper can help us avoid hanging chads and missing votes?

- Miley Cyrus. What, Zac Efron wasn’t available to present an award?

- The Bourne Ultimatum screwing up everyone’s Oscar polls for their wins in the sound mixing and editing and film editing awards. Did anyone actually pick this over No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood? I had no chance of winning the $13 jackpot at this point.

Like many of the nominated films themselves, the Oscars were rather bleak this year, with few redemptive qualities. I was happy with most of the winners, yet not really surprised by any of them. While it may have been the least memorable ceremony in recent years, it’s the first one that I’ll really remember. Sadly, Jack Nicholson cannot say the same.

2008 List of Oscar Winners:

Best Motion Picture of the Year, No Country for Old Men
Best Achievement in Directing, Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role, Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Peformance by an Actress in a Leading Role, Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role, Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role, Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Best Original Screenplay, Diablo Cody, Juno
Best Adapted Screenplay, Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Best Achievement in Cinematography, Robert Elswit, There Will Be Blood
Best Achievement in Editing, Christopher Rouse, The Bourne Ultimatum
Best Achievement in Art Direction, Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo, Sweeney Todd
Best Achievement in Costume Design, Alexandra Byrne, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Best Achievement in Makeup, Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald, La Vie en Rose
Best Original Score, Dario Marionelli, Atonement
Best Original Song, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Once
Best Achievement in Sound, Scott Millan, David Parker and Kirk Francis, The Bourne Ultimatum
Best Achievement in Sound Editing, Karen Baker and Per Hallberg, The Bourne Ultimatum
Best Achievement in Visual Effects, Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and
Trevor Wood, The Golden Compass
Best Animated Feature Film, Brad Bird, Ratatouille
Best Foreign Language Film, The Counterfeiters (Austria)
Best Documentary Feature, Alex Gibney and Eva Orner, Taxi to the Dark Side
Best Documentary Short, Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth, Freeheld
Best Short Film – Animated, Suzie Templeton and Hugh Welchman, Peter and the Wolf
Best Short Film – Live Action, Philippe Pollet-Villard, Le Mozart de Pickpockets