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The three best and three worst TV shows of the fall 2007 crop, you say? Here’s what I say: New network television (yes—I’m sticking to network because I’m a poor post-college kid and can’t afford the fancy channels) kind of blows. There was a lot of hype, a lot of promising first rounds, a lot of big names, and then, a lot of dramedies that could be summed up with a, “Meh.”

But here is what makes up for it: Pushing Daisies, which is pictured at the right. Oh, how my heart beats for thee. The fast-paced, lush, quirky, satirical, morbid fairy tale is the unanimous favorite of the fall and rightfully so. Starring Lee Pace (significantly more lovable than in Wonderfalls) as pie maker Ned who, with one touch, can bring back the dead and, with the next, send them back to the grave, and Anna Friel, his childhood sweetheart Chuck (a total Audrey Hepburn), whom he revives after a not-so-gruesome murder, the simultaneously whimsical and earnest story has all the right ingredients. But if the two lovebirds ever touch, she’ll die for real. And so begins our tale. Throw in Jim Dale’s perfectly regal narration, deadpan comedy, and Kristin Chenoweth—who performs an adorably bitter version of Hopelessly Devoted in episode two—and you have the best new thing to spring from primetime. In other words, it’s doomed to become a cult classic that gets the life tragically sucked from it in its prime. C’est la vie.

And, of course, there’s Chuck. Mostly, I love how this show’s creators took an absolutely ridiculous, stupid, far-fetched plot idea and actually made it watchable. Chuck (Zach Braff meets Seth Cohen meets Jim from The Office) is the manager of the local Nerd Herd (a fictional Geek Squad) who can’t get a date, or motivation, or a life, blah blah. BAM he gets an email from an old college roommate/dead secret agent, his brain now contains the NSA’s and CIA’s secrets, and these government agencies need him to, well, do their secret governmental stuff. Oh, and the CIA chick is blonde, hot, agile and has a thing for geekboy. Really though, how long can this shtick last before it crosses the line into shit TV? We’ll see when renewal time comes around.

But really—and I am begging someone to give me evidence to the contrary—those are the only new shows worth purposefully DVR-ing. Since that leaves exactly one slot left in the “best of” category, I’m going to go ahead and throw my guilty pleasure in there. I’m sacrificing possible humiliation for the raw truth, so cut me some slack. Two words: Gossip Girl. There, I said it. For anyone who has a hidden or not-so-hidden lust for shows akin to The O.C. with fictional, stereotypical, attractive, mostly rich young people, this is a whopper of a good time. Sex, drugs, backstabbing, bitches, and, like, totally cute wardrobes to boot! (Really, you should see how creative these kids get with their prissy private school uniforms). For good measure there’s even the token “indie rock/I hate people” kid with biting self-deprecation and a ‘90’s one hit wonder rock n’ roll dad. The show’s like crack. Be careful.

Before you think I’m slightly retarded with all that crazy Gossip Girl talk, take a gander at these next three. Compared to them, Gossip Girl looks like My So-Called Life (or some other equally as wonderful teen drama).

Where to even start with Kid Nation? The gold star, that’s where. Hey kids, you live out here in the middle of the desert (let’s call it Bonanza City so you think you’re in a giant board game), in your own filth on these paper thin mattress pads, make the six-year-olds cook all your meals, and cry yourselves to sleep because you miss your parents. But don’t worry, every seven days we’ll give the popular kid this material possession that’s worth about one-millionth of the money we’re going to rake in for one episode if you say something cute enough. Gag me, please. No mister host sir, this is not one giant sleepover like you told me. You’re pretending that you’re the only adult out here, and frankly, that’s kind of creepy.

Next, an alliterative double feature on ABC: Carpoolers and Cavemen. A real one-two punch of sucktastic acting, writing, directing, casting, costuming, living and breathing. Way to be born, everyone who made these shows possible. Cavemen is, predictably, an extended Geico commercial. It wasn’t funny after the first time we heard the joke, it’s not funny now. Carpoolers is about four guys. And they carpool. And they talk about carpooling. And they have lives and personalities, kind of. They embody variations of “the married guy” with one way hunky (vomit) “bachelor” thrown in for good measure. There are precisely two redeeming qualities of these shows: a) they’re only a half hour each, and b) the whipped husband on Carpoolers totally gets struck by moving vehicles many times. I’m a sucker for physical comedy.

In closing, watch Heroes and Friday Night Lights. Screw (most) new television.